[365 Days of Extraordinary] Day 173 Transcript: The Price Of White Lies

by | Jul 6, 2020 | 365 Days of Facebook Lives

I’m dancing at my desk now. No, that’s not cool. Happy Friday people. I had some people try my glasses today and I’ve got to say, I think they look better on me than they did on them, but anyway. I’m loving them, and you know what? They help me see better and that’s so important. Tonight I want to talk about lying. Yes. If you are a liar, I would like to you to put your hand up. If you have been a liar, I’d like you to put your hand up. Yep. Been there, done that. And when … I’m not talking massive, “Oh, I didn’t kill that person, I swear, Officer, I didn’t kill that person.” I’m talking the teeny tiny little white lies that you think are completely inconsequential. Like, “Do you want to go to the movies tonight?” “Oh, no. I’ve got to finish an essay.”

“What do you think of my dress?” “I think you look fabulous.” “Did you like that pork I made?” “Oh, I’ve never tasted pork that was that good.” I’m talking about those little lies that you think mean nothing. I’m here to tell you that all of those little lies add up to meaning not a great big lie, but they add up to mean something. Every time you lie, it’s like … and I’ll give you why I’m wanting to talk about this tonight, is today I was told about a friend’s situation in which she had encouraged her child to tell a wee bit of a porky pie if he was put in a particular situation. And whilst we all completely understand and agree with the thought behind it, the meaning behind it, why it was kind of a good idea, it’s still not a great thing to teach, especially to teach children because that’s how it starts.

We start by when someone says, “Oh, can you come over for a playdate?” And we say, “Oh, I’d love to,” when really you don’t want to. Or when someone says, “Can Johnny come over this evening?” And you go, “Oh, no, sorry. We’re going out to dinner.” And then you all turn your phones off so they don’t know that you haven’t actually gone out to dinner, but the reality is you just didn’t want to play with little Johnny. I’m so sorry, Johnny, that … you had not come on the live when I said no one wants to play with little Johnny. I was not referencing you. That is too funny and the most perfect timing ever. But you know what I mean? Someone says something. You’ve seen the ad. “Does my bum look big in this?” “No, honey, it looks fine.”

You don’t need to lie. It’s actually better … Let’s go through a couple of scenarios. Someone says, “I’m having dinner on Saturday night with some friends. Do you want to come along?” Instead of saying, “oh.” If you really don’t want to go, instead of saying, “Oh no, I’ve got to go to Auntie Agnes’s bat mitzvah.” Very random, I know. Just say, “No, thank you.” No explanation needed. End of sentence. If someone wants to dig further, because some people like to pry, they want to get in there and go, “What do you mean you can’t come? What do you mean, no, thank you? Why can’t you come to dinner at my place?” “I’m just unable to.” If they’re taking issue with that, with your explanation and your unwillingness or not being open with what your particular reasoning is, that’s actually their problem. You don’t need to explain yourself.

Pinterest - So remember when you tell those little white lies that the night has a thousand eyes - Samantha LeithNow there’s different levels of lying. There’s those teeny little white lies. Like, “Go on, you all like my glasses, don’t you?” “Is the cake good?” All that kind of stuff, where we just go, “Yeah. Yeah. It’s great. Yeah. It’s great. Yeah.” “How do you today?” “I’m feeling fabulous.” You don’t need to say you’re feeling fabulous if you’re not feeling fabulous, but you don’t need to pour out why you feel shit either. You can just go, “Yeah. Fine. Thanks.” It’s … because every time you do one of those tiny inconsequential lies that you think mean nothing, they add up to bigger lies. And before you know it, you’re stepping on the scales and saying to yourself, “Oh, I just need to go to the toilet and that’ll get rid of three kilos.” It won’t.

Or you’re looking at your credit card statement and thinking you can actually pay for something, or you’re doing your goal setting for the year and going, “Oh, I can get that in the bag easily,” because all of those lies have added up to this crazy self-belief, they’ve made you … It’s like a falsehood of everything. Everything, because you’re not just lying … You think you’re just lying to them saying you can’t go to something or they look good in that dress or the fish tasted fabulous. But every time you do that, you’re making it more acceptable for yourself to lie to yourself. And that’s the most detrimental lie of all, when you’re lying to yourself. And I say that kind of in pain because I’ve done it a lot to myself over the years. And it’s … there’s no winner in a situation where you lie to yourself and there’s no winner in a situation when you lie to your friend. Now, if you don’t … Your parents might’ve taught you, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all,” and I completely agree with that. There is no need.

If you’re in a situation where you think, “I have to lie, or I have to say something that’s going to hurt their feelings.” There’s actually a third option. You don’t to do either. There’s always, always a delicate out which doesn’t involve lying and doesn’t involve in hurting someone, because to knowingly hurt someone makes you a dick. Okay? I don’t want to talk to dicks. So if you’re one of those people that likes to knowingly hurt people, stop watching, jump off. There’s always a way you can say what you want to say without hurting someone’s feelings and without lying. I promise you, absolutely promise you.

Let’s go through a couple of scenarios. “Sam, what are you doing tomorrow night? Would you like to come to dinner?” “No, thank you.” Now I could say, “No, I don’t want to come to dinner because last time I came to dinner at your place, the food tasted like shit. The company was terrible and I got home really late and miserable and had to stop for food on the way back because I was hungry.” That’s what I could want to say, but it would be mean. So I can just say, “No, thank you.” If they say, “Oh, but why? I really want you to come.” Again, not lying. “Unfortunately I’m unable to come, but thank you for the invitation.”

If they keep prying, that’s their problem. You’ve said, “Thank you, unfortunately …” You’ve said all the things that make it kind of okay to not go. Let’s go with the example of, “Do I look fabulous in this frock?” And if they put a frock on and you think they look really awful in that frock, you don’t need to say, “No, you look like the back of a truck. I think you should take that shit off.” You can say things like, “Hmm, I’ve seen you look better. Have you explored any other options? How do you feel in it?” Because bringing it back to them in that kind of scenario is always good. Because a lot of the times when someone’s looking for outside confirmation of how they look, they’re not quite sure themselves how they look. Whereas if someone’s feeling confident about how they look in something, nine times out of ten they’re not going to go, “How do you think I look?” Because they feel good.

Go back to the glasses example. When I … I haven’t at any point, I don’t think, have I? Said … No, I have actually, “Do you like my glasses?” But you know what? I really like my glasses. I don’t care what you think. I think they look fabulous. But some people, when … and I might have been in that situation where I’m unsure of what I’m wearing or how I look or how something suits me or has it suited the occasion? So you want that external validation of what’s going on. And then someone says “Mm …” And you can often tell just by how they look at you. So if someone is coming to you with that kind of question, they’re already feeling vulnerable. Don’t hurt them. Don’t hurt them. If they’ve come to you in a dress and going, “What do you think I look like?” Don’t say, “I don’t think you should have been eating those Tim Tams this week.” That just makes you a dick. Okay?

So the toll, as I said about lying, is that every time you think there’s an inconsequential lie, that starts at a really, really young age, like it truly does. They arrive late for school, “Trouble with the train,” no, bullshit. They slept in. They add up and they add up and they add up and they add up and they become the people that think it’s okay to lie about anything and everything, to anyone without consequence. And it’s not okay. So I challenge you for the next … and I could go into a whole lot of stuff because there’s lots of different types of lies. There’s the types of lies that narcissists use, there’s the types of lies that really insecure people use.

There’s the types of lying that we do to make other people feel better. There’s a type of lying we do make ourselves feel better. They’re all just lies. Like end of the day, they’re all just lies, and you pay a toll for each and every one of them. So I challenge you over the next 24, 48 hours, especially in this crazy Christmas period, because in this Christmas period, Auntie Jane … I don’t have an Auntie Jane, so that’s safe. Auntie Jane is going to say to you, “What did you think of my trifle?” And you’re going to think to yourself, “I couldn’t eat it because I’d rather eat a pile of uncooked snails with raw garlic,” and you’re going to go, “Oh, Jane, it was fabulous,” and you’re going to be lying. And it’s not doing her any favors. Because she then doesn’t know that her trifle’s shit.

But you don’t need to hurt her feelings because it’s Christmas. So you could just say something like, “I didn’t get the opportunity to try it. I hope everyone else enjoyed it.” Easy, no harm done. You haven’t lied, and you haven’t hurt her feelings. So I challenge you over the next couple of weeks and yes, I’m talking about it today because stuff popped up for me. And it’s a big one for me because I’ve really, really worked on the lying, especially to myself. That has been, over the years, that has been my … one of my biggest downfalls, is the bullshit stories I’ve told myself about nine times out of ten money, weight, money, weight, money, weight, money, weight. They’ve been two corkers. So I’m acutely aware of it. And the toll it takes on you and how easy it is to slip into those patterns.

So just for this Christmas period, just watch yourself, catch yourself. When you get invited to something or someone asks you a question, don’t automatically go to that thing that’s going to make you feel better in an instant, and make them feel better in an instant, because in the long run, it’s not making either of you feel any better. And just see if you can … I’ve given you a couple of examples. See if there’s a way you can come up with something that’s like a neutralizer in the situation. It’s not bad. It’s not good. It’s just neutral.

So when you invite me over for drinks tomorrow, all of you, because you’re all going to DM me now and go, “Sam, do you want to come for drinks tomorrow?” And I go, “Thanks, but no thanks.” You’re going to know I just don’t want to go. No, I’m joking. I actually do have something on tomorrow, but I’m not going to hurt your feelings by saying it. So there you go. My challenge for you all is not to lie to anybody during this Christmas period. Even when you unwrap that present you don’t want, come up with something that is not a lie, and I promise you, like pinky pinky promise you, it will make you feel better about yourself not lying. Happy Friday. Night night, guys.

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