Episode 4: Let’s Talk About Love

by | Dec 28, 2022

Episode Description

In this episode of The Samantha Leith Podcast we take a look at Love. What it means to us, our Love Languages and so much more. Taken from episodes 14-17 of The Samantha Leith Show.

Show Notes

(singing).

Hi, welcome to this week’s episode of the Samantha Leith show with yours truly Samantha Leith. Now February is all about love, Amor Libre Amore. It’s universal. It’s part of all of our lives every single day from self-love to the unrequited navigation. It can be a really rocky road so let’s take a deeper look.

 

THE DEFINITION OF LOVE

Sings* what is love. Love is a many splendid thing, you give me the most gorgeous sleep that I’ve ever had, I will love you for the rest of my life, you are the best thing that’s ever been mine. Apologies to the songwriters for that little mashup.

Ahh, love songs: that’s one of the first things people think about when they think of love. They seep into our souls every day because they’re played everywhere. Chances are, right now there are multiple love songs on the top 20 charts of any country you pick. We love love, we want to be loved, we want to love. But do we really understand it in any language? I know I didn’t at all really until the last few years and even then, they’ve been some huge hiccups. Like anything it’s a learning curve.

I like this definition on Wikipedia. Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states from the most sublime virtual good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection to the simplest pleasure. I kind of like that, I really like that.

If it’s a thin line between love and hate, why shouldn’t love always be positive? That’s what marketing people would have us believe. No love isn’t always positive because it’s tied to a set of strong feelings and when something goes whoops that can quickly turn negative leaving us confused bewildered and wondering what the *****.

 

HOW WE USE THE WORD LOVE

Love is also a word we throw around like a hot potato. It’s interesting to note how many times a day you actually say it. Confession: I told someone I loved Emily in Paris the other night. Now it’s not actually true. When I look into it, I enjoyed the show because of what it gave me. An escape from hearing about anything about the p word. A respite from working, a distraction from feeling a little bit lonely, a trip down memory lane of the times I’ve been to France, a strong desire to make croissant, and now a need for those amazing AZ Factory star pyjamas.

 

THE GREEK TYPES OF LOVE

The ancient Greeks knew a thing or a thousand about everything and well love was really important, so agape mu let’s have a look. And I ask for forgiveness first thing for any butchering of the Greek language that may, actually, take place in my pronunciations, let’s be honest.

The first is Eros or passionate erotic love named after the Greek god of love and fertility. It’s all about desire; it’s like a flame that will burn brightly and may fade out of the slightest flicker of trouble. Intimate relationships often start like this and we need to feed this Eros and the hope that it’ll turn into something much deeper.

Pragma or enduring love is the one we all hope for. It stood the test of time and has been nurtured to be deeper with a bond strengthened by commitment, compromise, and caring. When you see that couple in their 80s and they’ve been married for 60 years and they’re holding hands. Those lifelong friends that can withstand anything that’s pragma playful love or

Ludus one of my faves. You know that stage when you start flirting with someone and it becomes more. Those early moments of euphoria, the teasing, the conversations, the joy, the pleasure. It’s exciting and your heart flutters. Sadly, too many relationships lose this playfulness over time. I say bring that back baby.

Agápe is the selfless love that the Greeks see is the highest form; it’s unconditional a word that’s often stated and often actually not true. It’s not all bells and whistles and sentimentality. You would say it’s what Buddhists call meta or universal loving kindness. It’s not about us, it’s about loving without question or expectation of anything in return accepting and forgiving because of the greater good.

Friendship Philia affectionate love is filial. It’s the love between equals. Aristotle said, dispassionate virtuous love. It’s loving someone without the smokes and mirrors or physical attraction. Those friends that you know you can pick up the phone to at any time, It’s deep. Losing one of those friendships can often be harder than an intimate partner because of that vulnerability, the trust and the loyalty that was shared.

Now this one I’m going to get wrong Philautia or self-love. I believe this should be first for all of us. It’s not about ego bound by vanity, it’s knowing that to care or love others. We must first care and love ourselves to have the strength, to understand yourself embrace all of your qualities even those ones that take deep work to unfold, to see all of yourself is lovable regardless of the lumps the bumps, the mistakes, the misdeeds, again the wise Aristotle said all friendly feelings for others are an extension of man’s feeling for himself.

Familial love is known as Storge this can be family by birth and also those close friends and family like the ones from childhood. Like Philia there’s no physical attraction however it can sometimes be an obstacle when we don’t align with values etc of those members in our circle. This love is built on memories and familiarity . It’s instinctual. The instant love a parent feels when they see a child.

Lastly on their list is Mania that obsessive love that’s often referred to as toxic codependent or trauma bonded. There’s attachment that’s unbalanced a madness, a disequilibrium between Eros and ludos. Poor self-esteem can lead us down this path where we search for love with each action or inaction reinforcing our beliefs we have of ourselves in our worthiness. Oh my golly gosh, they were wise people, the Greeks.

 

FINDING YOUR DEFINITION OF LOVE

When you’re having a bit of a tough patch with love and sometimes even when you’re going through a good patch of love. It’s really important to immerse yourself with love. So, look around you. You want to find examples of what love means to you or what you think love should look like. What you’d like it to look.

Like you know, be old-fashioned and go through your photo albums. You know, remember when we got pictures printed and flick through them and you’ll soon find like the love wells up in you when you look at photos of people from your past and things that you’ve done. It might be love of a place you went to okay. Another thing you could possibly do, and I’ve done this sometimes is look to celebrity couples and as an example of love. Now we don’t know the truth but what we see on the surface can sometimes give us a bit of ahh oh that looks amazing. And have conversations with older people. We don’t talk to them enough, they’re a font of knowledge. They’ve got this past, this history full of love and stories and how they conquered things so sit down and have a cup of tea with the lady next door and find out about love in her lifetime.

 

REFLECTING ON LOVE

If we put 10 people in this room right now and ask them what is love, we would get 10 very different answers. Over the years I’ve confused love more times than I probably want to admit. Some of these may be familiar to you:

  • They want to have sex with me they must love me
  • I can’t think about anybody else I must love them
  • Wow look at the gifts they gave me they must love me
  • I’m sad because they didn’t come to my party I must love them
  • When he said not to give that a go he was trying to protect me he must love me
  • I can get you when they walk into a room I must love them
  • She told me I was beautiful she must love me
  • I feel so bad that I didn’t call them back I must love them
  • That applause was incredible they must love me

The list goes on. Have I felt real honest love? Yes, but I’ve had love twisted in my mind for so long. Many of us with a history of trauma with a capital T unfortunately do. Through doing a lot of work I know what love is to me but it’ll be different to you. So I can’t stand here and tell you what it is. I can’t feel what you feel or think what you think. I can guide you. So, I encourage you to think about it right now. What does love mean to you? Free write in the worksheets and yet follow the links all the thoughts that come up for you about love if that first thing that comes to mind is your gorgeous puppy.  Write it down there is no right or wrong.

What are five positive and five negative emotions or memories that you have associated with love? Who do you love and why? Then I want you to notice over the next 24 hours how often you think of love, how often you feel love, and how often you say love.

 

ATTACHMENT THEORY

A popular topic at the moment is attachment styles because it’s so very important. It’s a great tool for understanding why we love the way we love learning about. This was truly enlightening for me. So whilst I’m giving you a taste in this episode, I encourage you if you find it interesting to delve deeper into it when you get a chance. When I first heard the term attachment theory, I thought, ah, it must be some new way of bonding with your baby.

And because I no longer had a baby and thought my daughter and I had a great bond, I didn’t pay any oh much attention. Then I started hearing more and more about it. Oh, it’s about so much more. It can help explain why we do what we do in relationships in our adult life. Now it’s getting interesting. I thought so in I went. Attachment theory focuses on the relationships and the bonds between people, particularly long-term relationships, including those between a parent and a child and between romantic partners.

John Baldy, the psychoanalyst who first described detachment theory as lasting psychological connectedness between human beings, researched the effects of separation between infants and their mothers. He noted that the behaviors that occurred and that he categorized them into three types of attachment, secure, anxious, and avoidant. There’s been a plethora of work done on this topic since, and you’re gonna have a Google and do a test to work out your attachment style.

So why so much work? Because it’s so important to help you understand yourself and others within all of your relationships. We all need attachment that bond with someone. It’s genetic. Remember those caveman needing to rely on each other. It impacts us physically and emotionally. Yes, when we have a healthy bond, our blood pressure can actually drop in a stressful situation simply because they came into a room. These attachment styles are nature and nurture influenced by our upbringing, our genetic predisposition, and our later life experiences.

 

VALENTINE’S DAY

Can’t talk about love without talking about Valentine’s Day. Now, can we? So the public choice was one of the first to write about it, and if you have a look, there are many things associated with it from Roman festivals, pagan fertility, Catholic feast, days, executions of people called Valentine. Regardless of the beginnings or where you read about it, marketing took over at some point.

I remember being in the USA and on Boxing Day, there was Valentine’s Day stuff in the stores. Now I have to say, that’s not quite as bad as hot cross buns in store here in Australia on Boxing Day. I digress.

Valentine’s Day can be magnificent if you don’t believe the marketing hype and you do something that’s special for you. Last year I was dating someone and his love language, which we’ll talk about in the next episode, was gifts. So on Valentine’s Day, I was bombarded with the most incredible gifts. Some of them were really practical, like socks that don’t fall down when I run. But I got those because he remembered a conversation we’d had about my sore feet because my socks had fallen down that morning as I was running, every single gift was targeted to a memory of something we’d discussed. Now that is speaking to someone’s love language and showing you care.

So if you are gonna do something for Valentine’s Day this year, don’t believe the marketing hype. Do something special for you and your loved ones or take yourself on a date.

 

ATTACHEMTN STYLES

For the purposes of this episode, I’m looking at these attachment styles in adults and I’m gonna give you some of the basic traits. Okay, avoidant. Ah, I know I’ve dated this a lot. In fact, as a self-confessed anxious style, this is usually the type of person that’s like a garden light and a moth for me. I promise I’m working on it. Very independent. They send lots of mixed signals. They’re a boundary boss. They often see the negative in a partner. They’ll end a relationship really quickly and they’ll devalue you or a previous partner. They can be physically distant at times and then mistrustful. They don’t want to discuss emotions and they strive for rules within their relationship.

Anxious, sad to say there is no way to get back the hours and hours wasted by awfulizing in situations. Yep, dysregulated nervous system. We are fearful of abandonment. Even the smallest things may rule in a relationship. Afraid to speak up, make excuses for others’. Behavior, often overwhelmed or overly emotional. Don’t like being single, not true for me. They let you determine the path of the relationship and they’re always working hard to keep it all okay? Find it hard to express their needs and their wants, and they tend to make things about themselves in their heads.

Now, secure people, they’re actually the most common crazy I know because you’re a few in the dating world, it’s really hard to find them because guess what? They’re in relationships. They’re great communicators. They believe closeness creates greater closeness. They can be in a relationship or be single. They manage their emotions.  They don’t play games. They’re confident in themselves and their thoughts and their feelings. They’re reliable and consistent. They sound like legends. They can compromise and make decisions with you, and they’re empathetic and comfortable with deep intimacy. They’re not afraid of commitment or dependency.

Now, before you go bat mad, thinking about your attachment style, remember this is a snapshot, okay? You may and often will have traits of all free, some of which you’ll exhibit more at different times, and yes, it’s possible to change style. I know I am and with dedicated work on myself and healing past trauma, I’m learning how to regulate my nervous system better and being honest about my needs and wants to myself and to other people.

 

RELATIONSHIP INVENTORY

What do you think your attachment style is? Now that you know a little bit more about attachment styles, how about doing a relationship inventory sounds scary, but it’s a brilliant exercise. In the book attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel SF Halla Ma, I did it and I suggest you do it too. There’ll be a link in the notes for you, right now though, I think it’s really helpful to look at some situations, the triggers and the outcomes. This can arm us really quickly with alternatives to all of our reactions. I want you to take a piece of paper and mark five columns or download the worksheet. I want you to think about your past and your present relationships, romantic and non-romantic.

List some situations that really triggered you. Then write out what your reaction to that situation was. How you felt, including if you can, where you felt it in your body, what you were thinking and what you did or didn’t do. What were the benefits of you acting this way? Maybe you got more attention, maybe you had an adrenaline rush or it opened up a conversation that really needed to happen.

Then can you think of a downside to the situation and the following action that happened? Remember, most things have a flip. The positive and the negative. Perhaps in your heart you didn’t wanna break up, but your reaction showed you proof that was all wrong. So even though you’re still together, your self-esteem took a battering.

Lastly, I want you to go all Penelope positive and write out what the perfect scenario would’ve been for that situation. If that scene had been in a romantic film with a glorious ending, how would they have written it? Now, next time something similar happens, you are armed with some knowledge to help you react in a better way. Remember, you have control of your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions, nobody else’s.

 

FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

This week we’re gonna look at the five love languages and no, it’s not Italian, French Greek and dirty <laugh>. Carrie Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages, the Secret to Love That lasts and with over 20 million copies sold, that is a lot over 30 years. Believe me when I say this will be worth it.

We all have a natural way about us with love. Something that’s a forerunner when it comes to showing our love and interpreting it, understanding what yours is much like, understanding your strengths, learning your attachment style and any of the other gazillion personality profiling wisdoms out there can make all the difference when it comes to living our lives.

How you see love and how you show love is part of all your relationships from work to romantic to your kids. Our love language will help determine how we show up and how we communicate every single day.

Yes, it is that important. We may resonate with bits of all of them. It’s a bit like being at an amazing banquet, but one will speak to us more than the others. And yes, like other aspects of your personality, it may change as you change. Here they are in a nutshell, words of affirmation, quality, time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch.

When you think about it, many songs will also speak to one of these languages and when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while cuz girl, you’re amazing just the way you are. Words of affirmation.

I can see us holding hands, walking on the the beach, our toes and the sand. I can see us on the countryside sitting in the grass, laying side by side, quality time.

I need you right now, so don’t let me down. I hope that you’ll be here when I need you the most acts of service.

If I gave you diamonds and pearls, would you be a happy boy or a girl?

Gifts and perhaps one of the most known songs of all time. I wanna hold your hand and when I touch you, I feel so happy inside physical touch, it’s all over advertising. Show her you love her by buying her a ring. Take your loved ones on the trip of a lifetime for some extra love in the bedroom. Try.

These languages are universal and it’s probably one of the simplest and most beneficial things you can ever understand about yourself and those you love. It’s not about gender or sexuality, nor is it defined by age, socioeconomic group or culture. It’s about you. Relationships take work. We know that there’s no magic bullet, but this is an essential ingredient.

I happen to think having a party is like the ultimate love language athon, okay, picture the scenario. People are coming to your house, you’re having a party, you’ve been thinking about what you’re gonna create. They’re walking in the door and then their words of affirmation come out. Thank you so much for coming. Look at what you are wearing. It’s amazing. Oh my God, that food was incredible.

Then you’ve got quality time. People are in your house. They’ve taken time to spend time with you. That is quality acts of service. Look at everything you have done to have those people over. The preparation, the thought, that is an act of service.

Then there’s the gifts as everyone walks in. Hmm, maybe not everybody. Most people walk in and they go, here’s some wine, here’s some flowers, have some champagne. And last but not least by any means is physical touch throughout the night. And as they come in and out that front door, you’re getting a cuddle, you’re getting a kiss on the cheek, maybe you’re getting a handshake, but there is that physical connection. Truly the ultimate love language athon.

 

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

So let’s look at the languages in greater detail. Words of affirmation. This was most definitely my primary one for a time, but it was based on my need to get external validation cuz I couldn’t really give it to myself. Now it switches between probably two and three. For me, this is all about acknowledgement. I love you. Thank you, you freaking rock.

I remember once making a slightly passive aggressive remark to someone in a situation, thank you would be nice. To which they replied. You always need people to say thank you and yes, I did. Now their love language is gifts, and because I didn’t understand this, then I was pissed that they didn’t just say, thank you you. I didn’t want a present. I wanted two words, text messages, notes, cards, letters, like back in the olden days, a keys to the kingdom and a compliment will give you the security code to the safe.

 

QUALITY TIME

Quality time.  This is about undivided attention, one on one meaningful activities, no distractions. Put that bloody phone away. And when something’s been arranged and it’s canceled, it can be devastating. For someone whose primary language is this, eye contact is really important and active. Listening without unsolicited advice is perfect for communicating. They say one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is to be fully present. Well, it can be one of the greatest gifts for someone else too.

 

TAKING ACTION

Acts of service now, this is my number one. It’s about taking action, helping you can see someone needs something, so you’ll go outta your way to assist them. Sadly, this can often take your own needs down or not. And if you don’t get the same acts of service back, it can be really hard to understand why people don’t see you need the help. It might be making dinner, fixing a document for them, a random chore, or just remembering to fill up the water in the coffee machine.

 

GIFTS

Gifts. Now, this is not about materialism, it’s about showing your love. You may see something and it triggers a thought of someone. Or you may spend 11 months working out the perfect gifts for all of your loved ones at Christmas curated to their uniqueness and to show the connection that you share and how well you know them.

It’s not just about giving the gift, it’s about the time and the effort. Someone put in regardless of cost. Physical touch, kissing, cuddling, hand holding, a massage, oh, I’d kill one of them. Footys under a table, a slight stroke of a hand, and yes, sex or all signs of love in this language. This is about physical connection, so a long distance relationship is not ideal. That hug or a pat on the back as they walk past can give them the jolt of love and security that you didn’t even know they needed in that moment.

 

LOVE LANGUAGE

To find out what language you speak will include the link in the workbook. But for the most of us, even when these teeny tiny descriptions, it’ll hit you on the head like a hammer. No idea why we say that, because that would really freaking hurt. Once you know your love language, you’ll be able to work out what the language is of people around you, which gives you great insight in what to do and what not to do in your relationship, even if it’s a brand new romantic one.

Talking about them with your children is also a really good idea. This came up for me when my daughter was going through a very huggy phase and she couldn’t understand why all of her friends didn’t wanna hug all the time. I point out she was probably about 10, but her now, knowing that it’s not for everyone and you need to check if it’s okay, saved her from doubt and sadness when this physicality wasn’t what she was getting.  As she’s gotten older, words of affirmation has probably now moved ahead of that queue.

 

DO’S AND DONT’S

John Gottman, the relationship expert, said that it takes five positive interactions to counteract one negative interaction.

So here are some dos and don’ts with love languages when looking at these in different circumstances like work friends or family tweak as appropriate because clearly walking up to your boss and holding their hand in the kitchen may not be a good move.

For words of affirmation, you wanna encourage affirm, appreciate, listen, send random cards, text notes, et cetera. You wanna avoid judgment and criticism and you really wanna avoid not appreciating something

Quality time. Bottom line is make more time one-on-one with no distractions.

Acts of service. Do chores together or do something for them without needing to be asked to do it. Whatever you do, make sure you follow through and do not make someone else a priority unless absolutely necessary.

Gifts.  You wanna give thoughtful gifts, and yes, size doesn’t matter, girls, it’s the thought that counts. Be appreciative when you receive a gift as a blase thanks. When something is received can be like a dagger and make sure those important dates are on the calendar.

Physical touch.  You’ve gotta make intimacy a priority. And yes, that can be holding hands at Harris Farm or simply being next to each other on a couch. Try not to go too long without physical connection, and if you wanna reject their physicality, I would suggest a conversation, not just pulling your hand away. If you’re at work, for example, you might have every type in your team. That may mean one-on-one mentoring time, buying a random coffee, a high five and a hallway, an email of appreciation or saying to your teammate, I know you have a project you, I’ve got some spare time.

Can I help you with any of it? You may have one child that needs hugs, another one that cannot wait for that new Barbie DVD for their birthday, the silent one that needs help with their homework. The learner driver that longs to hear great job. Then the littlest one who just wants to hang in a tent in the backyard with you and our friends are the same.

And whilst communication is really important, we in life, we don’t often walk up to someone and say, hi, my love language is quality time. So it’s really important to me that you read those signs, know who you are and make more magic happen in your relationships.

 

SELF LOVE

What exactly is self-love? Is it rainbows and daisies? I mean, spa days and the best clothes you can buy? No, as I talked about in the confidence stack, it’s about looking after and caring for yourself.

You take the oxygen mask first. Remember learning how to to appreciate yourself and treating yourself with the kindness and respect you deserve. Nurturing your growth and having a high regard for your own physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing and happiness.

Oscar Wild said to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance, and I am a romantic. You know when you’re in that first blossoming love face, how suddenly everything around you seems better? Well, having great self-love can do that too. Quite literally. The power of love can change your world, but it starts with you. So what do you do? If rather loving yourself? You think of yourself as that person still sitting the side of the hall waiting for someone to ask them to dance. Yeah, take it slow my friends. Here are some tips for you on how to bring more love to yourself from yourself.

 

MY FOUNDATIONAL FIVE

My foundational five journal, journal, journal. Get that crap outta your head and onto paper, and don’t forget to include affirmations and gratitude with that. And yes, you can download the worksheet to help.

You wanna embrace other mindfulness techniques like meditation and breath work. You wanna move your body. You can even do a self-love yoga workout with Adrian for free on YouTube. She’s fabulous. You wanna nourish your body and you want to get enough sleep.

Now, here’s some extra bits. Put yourself first, okay? This can be hard, but start with small things like saying no to an eight 30 dinner when you know you feel better. Eating by seven boundaries are gold, okay? Stop comparing yourself with others and it’ll also help you stop judging, which is great for you. You wanna improve your circle, fill your time with things that help you feel good about yourself.

You wanna embrace your creativity and passions. 10 minutes a day in this world can give you a boost like a vitamin B shot in your butt. Remember, there’s no such thing as silly dancing in your underwear at home. Grow to love your body and yep, try the mirror exercise in the freebie section. You wanna conquer a fear you have. You have, rather. Take yourself on a date night, anything from a movie to dinner, to mountain treking or a float tank. Make it special and only for you speak up more positive and negative.

Expressing how you feel is a really powerful action. Forgive yourself and others. It’s a poison. Remember, turn off from the world and think the most amazing things about yourself in the world. Finally, if you need it, and many of us do get help, there’s no greater gift than that of loving yourself. It may be learning more about personal development, working with a coach or going down a therapeutic road. Whatever works for you is what I really, really encourage you to do. But first, watch all the way to the end of this video. Subscribe and do all that stuff. Then turn off your notifications, turn up the music, and shake your body and dance like you are on fire. There’s some instance of love right there.

 

DATING

I can’t exactly do an episode about love and not talk about dating, or should I start with, it’s not like it was back in the good old days when you met people at a club or with friends. No, actually the pool’s way bigger now. Done well online dating is an amazing invention. Done badly in it can become an addictive behavior chasing that next dopamine hit from a swipe.

Sometimes it can feel like a meat market, if you wanna look at it that way, with swiping the real life version of being paraded for trade in one of little fingers, brothels and Game of Thrones. If you go into it without being prepared for all of it, it can be brutal.

I recently had a friend who wanted to dip her toes back into this world of wonder, and she’d been following my recent escapades. She realized when she was honest with herself that she wasn’t ready for the bad.

That would chances are happen at some point, brilliant decision. It also made me remember how interesting some of my dates and conversations have been to give you an idea. Next time I’m asked what my cup size is in a chat, I’m gonna say, G, for gorgeous, to those of you that think perfect match should come back, or maybe you want to give first dates a chance. I say give online dating a go, but do it with intentionality. Be honest about who you are and speak like you. If banter and innuendo is not your thing, don’t pretend. And if you’re all about afl, shout it from the rooftops. Use current photos and no filters. Be respectful. Oops, saying that I need to message someone back adh brain. If I don’t do it back straight away, I can forget. Do not have your kids or your ex in a photo, okay?

Be clear about what you are looking for, and that starts with knowing yourself. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a hookup or a long-term relationship, but let people know. Meet people quickly if you are interested, but have a phone buddy to check in on the date. If they do something in a chat that you wouldn’t actually like in the real world, speak up or end it. Look broader than your usual type, but keep your list of things you are looking for as priority and blue eyes should not be a deal breaker, okay? You need to look after your heart and the rest of your life in this process, so set limits on how much time you spend doing it. Chat with friends about what’s going on as well. I recommend paying for the app. Don’t just use the free versions because it often gives you much better control.

 

DON’T GIVE UP

Lastly, don’t give up, but take breaks. I’m having a break at the moment. It’s good for my soul and my workload because if you expect to find true love on date number two, chances are you’re going to be disappointed.

I could hardly do a month about love and not talk about sex. As I’ve said said before, sex and love are not the same thing, even though many of us have at some stage confused this issue. Ironically, my self-love developed more when I took a greater control of my sex life. Don’t misunderstand me, I was confident about so many things, but that deep self-love was on pretty shaky ground sometimes.

A few years ago, I was on stage at a TEDx pitch night at the Sydney Opera House, and yes, I talked about sex. The talk was adding sex to your personal development toolbox and well, here it is.

When you feel like you’ve done everything from fire working to tapping in a world of personal development, yet you know there’s room for more, for you to be more, what do you do?

 

BETTER SEX LIFE

You get sexually empowered and fast. Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should. I’ve always liked sex. So what made this journey any different from many of my other sex exploitations? Well, I was in control. I was asking for and getting exactly what I wanted for someone who felt guilty asking for extra water at a restaurant. This was a really big deal. It’s like starting anything new. It’s a learning curve, and this was a really steep one.

First come, the apps tender, Bumble feed. It’s a whole world out there, and when you’re not looking for love, it’s a very different language. Also, everything from the photos you choose to, the hidden code in your profile text has to be put together like an award-winning theater production. It’s choreographed, it’s scripted, it’s designed, it’s produced, and ultimately performed. I thought I would faint.

Literally, the first time I arranged a meetup a, we’re all adults here, it was a four star hotel room, city location. My instructions to him was, simple, bring your A game, French champagne. I had simple needs once and desires, and I was terrified. You don’t need all the details. So all I’ll say is tonight was hot, and he followed the instructions perfectly. The chick in a dialogue would’ve normally started. Will he called? Do I call him? Blah, blah, blah, blah. Not a whisper inside my mind, I was done. I asked for and got what I wanted. I wonder, would this new mojo bleed into other areas of my life? Would it work if I asked the universe for something bigger? I didn’t get that carried away. I simply moved on to my next sexual experience that I wanted, and as a bisexual, this opened up a whole lot of pathways from helping to run a very sexy and very select party group to a threesome for Valentine’s Day and a younger man with my personal to-do list.

I think I chalked up. Mm, a lot of things on my sexual vision board, so empowered, so energized, so sexy, so it one with myself and my body. Could it have simply been the release of those fabulous endogenous hormones like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin? No, it wasn’t just about the postcoital high. Maybe the studies that show sex does similar things to your brain as meditation are actually right.

Could a better sex life be the missing piece of your personal development toolbox? Yes, saying yes to what I wanted and more importantly, no to what I didn’t, was becoming part of my natural state with the bonus that my fear of rejection was diminishing. It was so enlightening when that sheen started to wear off. I still had this internal sparkle and I knew it would all be okay. My wants and my needs were changing. Love is now back on my vision board.

The more confident and charismatic me now knew that I could go for whatever my desire, whatever area of my life. So I encourage you to go out and add sex to your personal development toolbox.

 

Please head on over to  samanthaleith.com/freebies to get the worksheets for this month, and don’t forget to spread the love. Until next time, don’t forget to love yourself because you are extraordinary.

Thank you for listening to this week’s episode of the Samantha Leith podcast. If you enjoyed this episode and wanna dive deeper into the world of personal development and what’s possible for you, then I’d love to invite you to join the club. It’s my monthly membership designed to guide and support you with the tools and the coaching you need to be extraordinary. Head on over to samanthaleith.com/club for more information. I’d love to see you on the inside.

 

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Produced by Rebecca Saunders and Pyrmont Studios

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Feeling Good
Songwriters: Anthony Newley / Leslie Bricusse
© Tratore, Universal Music Publishing Group

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Produced by Samantha Leith / Michael Allen
Vocals by Samantha Leith

 

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