In this episode of The Samantha Leith Podcast we take a look at how Clarity, Confidence, Courage and Charisma and how the make up the How to be Extraordinary Framework. Taken from episodes 23-26 of The Samantha Leith Show.
Are you ready to be the extraordinary person you were born to be? The life you’ve always dreamt of is so much easier than you think. And we are gonna look at how this month on the Samantha Leith show with me Samantha Leith. Over the four weeks we’re gonna look at clarity, confidence, courage, and charisma, which what I think are the four key components of how to be extraordinary. Let’s go.
I believe the first step to having great clarity in life is passion. I’m not talking about the tumble in the sheets kind of passion, although for some of you that actually may be a passion. I’m talking about the stuff that you love and care deeply about, the stuff that drives you, motivates you. You’ve probably heard the saying, if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. Well, I don’t agree with that a hundred percent.
It’s not all passions end up being what we do for the money, honey, I do agree. However, that loving what you do makes it a whole lot more enjoyable.
WHAT ARE YOU PASSIONATE ABOUT?
So how do we find out what we’re passionate about? Years ago, I was fortunate enough to meet Janet Bray Atwood and she’d written a book called The Passion Test, the Effortless Path to Discovering Your Life Purpose with Chris Atwood. And I was hooked so much so I became a certified consultant. It quite literally changed my life for the better. They say, when you are clear, what you want will show up in your life and only to the extent you are clear. You see, when we are clear, we have intention, then we can take the steps needed to get those passions and give them the attention they need. Their formula takes it to the next step of having no tension in the fulfillment of these passions.
It’s brilliant. Getting this clarity is a step-by-step process, which will take way too much time for me to go through now. So I’m gonna do the basics and you can go to the freebie section for the worksheet to help you with this.
BASIC STEPS TO GET THOSE PASSIONS
What you wanna do is come up with a list of as many things that you can think of that are really important to you. There’s no wrong answer. Right now, having an out yourself because you’re a new mom might be the first thing you think of. Write it down. Once you’ve got this list, you wanna make this statement. When my life is ideal, I am an example of this is one of mine and I redo this every couple of years. When my life is ideal, I’m surrounded by like-minded, loving, and fun people. One of Jack Canfield’s was being of service to massive numbers of people. See, very different.
You wanna come up with a list about 10 statements like that, then we need to get to the top five. Ah, I know it could feel really scary because you want it all, otherwise you wouldn’t have written them all down. Don’t panic. You can still actually have it all. It’s about having the clarity of focus on the most important. We get to the five by asking the simple question, which feels better, passion number one or passion number two, and you keep going through the process. Sometimes it’ll be hard to decide and you may need to think what your life would look like and feel like if you had one and you didn’t have the other. Again, it doesn’t mean you can’t have it all so don’t panic. Now, I know this is a lot to try and cover in a couple of minutes, so if you look at the worksheet, you’ll also see a link that will give you some info on how you can get some more help from me doing this.
Moving right along. Once you have your five, you wanna create what are called markers for these passions. They’re like milestones that show you you are living your passions. Maybe you have a travel passion, okay, that might be hard to tick off a new country at the moment. So maybe a marker is reading a book or watching a documentary about another country once a month pro and eating a meal from there. At the same time, you want to surround yourself. You know me with all my sheets, with your passions and your markers all the time everywhere. Science, affirmations, notifications, write them down, talk about them like get excited about it. The secret is then whenever you are faced with a decision, a choice, or an opportunity, you can consistently choose in favor of your passions. I promise you it is an absolute game changer.
Passions like ice cream and values of the topic seriously, they’re actually the grounding on which your lives are built. Our values inform our thoughts, our words, and our actions. They’re really important because they help us to grow and develop. They help us to create the future. We wanna experience that extraordinary future I talk about. They’re neither good nor bad. They simply are. They reflect what’s important to us and help us with their decision making. Some values have been instilled in us since like they dot and some of them are important to you and some of them just hang on to because you’ve never questioned it. If you have a high value for family and a high value of health, for example, you might think they conflict, but maybe you could spend time with your family doing something for your health. You can download a values list with on the freebie section and get thinking.
Vision and mission statements are not just for big companies. They describe the big picture of your life. They help you make decisions for your future. They can help you say no to more things. They help you live out your life and business in a way that creates more impact. They can help you define success on your terms. They can help you support your career path or help you with your short and long-term goal setting. There’s such a good thing to do. It’s your ideal life inwards and pictures. If you wanna get really creative, what you know like encourage your vision is how you see yourself in the future. It’s passive vivid and inspires you. Your mission is how you want to go about living your life. It’s more active, succinct, and it kind of guides you along the way.
I’ll give you a couple of examples. Walt Disney, to make people happy. Oprah, to be a teacher and to be known for inspiring my students to be more than they thought they could be. Richard Branson, to have fun in my journey through life and learn from my mistakes.
Love that one. So how do you get to a statement like that? Just come up with it. It’s a process where you question your life and you get descriptive and then you tweak and refine and tweak and refine and tweak and refine till you can feel it in your bones. So grab the worksheet. Oh no. Carve out some space in your day and answer the questions with no judgment or preconceived ideas. You wanna write freely and with big positive energy. I’ll go through a couple of the questions here.
- What are your top five passions?
- What are your top 10 values?
- What are your greatest strengths?
- What are the feelings you most desire in life?
And I advise checking out Daniel Le port’s work on that because cord desired feelings are brilliant.
- If it was your last day in the world, what would you regret not doing?
- What are your greatest skills?
- What do you love to do at work?
- What do you love to do in your personal life?
- If you knew you would succeed, what would you do with your life?
- And what are your three to five greatest achievements and what’s the biggest, hairiest, scariest, most audacious goal you have?
- What does legacy mean to you?
- And what do you want yours to be?
- What makes you a standout in the world?
Then I want you to describe your life in five years and 25 5 years. Get creative. Write as though you are living it right now. Once you’ve answered the questions, you wanna go to town on your statements. This is fun stuff. It’s the rough draft to the movie of your extraordinary life. And when writing both of your statements, you wanna write with love for who you are in the present tense, being as wild and descriptive as possible.
Write it so it’s meaningful and inspiring to you not anyone else. Your vision statement needs to be relevant to you and who you wanna become, including the passions, values, strengths, feelings, skills, et cetera that you desire. You wanna write it. So it’s a challenge to help you achieve. And your mission statement needs to be filled with, again, love for who you are, what you do, and who you do it for. And you wanna write it with a focus on the actions and the habits that you need to motivate you towards your goals. A little trick if you can blend your vision and your mission statements into one, it makes it really easy to add it to your daily journaling habit.
It’s like going on a trip. You need your map for where you’re going. You need to pack the bits and bobs you need and you need to take the steps to get there.
Now I wanna go on a holiday. You want your passion, you wanna know your values, your core desired feelings. Remember Daniel LaPorts work. You wanna know your vision statement, your mission statement, and then bingo, put it all together and you have clarity.
Last week we got stuck into clarity. So this week we are moving on to confidence. One of my most favorite topics ever, confidence is that beautiful state of having full trust in one’s self, our abilities, our traits, our bodies, and even more everything that makes us who we are. Confidence is also a really freaking loaded topic. Some people think confidence is all about walking into a room as though you own the place with your ego firmly out on display for the world. Nope.
It took lots of thinking time for me to work out why I was confident when I seemingly had lots of bits that most people thought would make me anything but confident. I wasn’t financially successful, my long-term relationships were other people’s ideas of a fling, my career was a mixed bag and hey, at one point I was about 140 kilos. How that was I confident?
It was a little things that all added up. I could sing. I made people feel special in the right situations. I felt like I had style. I was a good person, I could cook up a storm. I always did my job and when I set a goal I really wanted, I generally achieved it. There were other things that added to this confidence, but you get the gist. Confidence is all about what you think about yourself. Bottom line, nobody can add to it or diminish it. It’s your brain that does that. And for most people, our brains are evil genius as it times. The truth is things can happen in our external world that because of the narrative in our brain make us feel more or less confident. And for a flash of the blindingly obvious, the more confident you are, the less these things impact us.
Our confidence journey starts from when we are like Dimmy di. When you draw something on, your mom says that’s a gorgeous flower and you are trying to draw her, you take a hit and when you cook a great meal and your family lap up, its deliciousness. You get a really big boost. It’s like a yo-yo up and down and up and down. This isn’t bad. We need to know that we aren’t perfect. No such thing. If you ask me that, we won’t all get a trophy just for turning up. But wow, when we show our truth and do our best, we get rewarded. We know inside really we do the good, the bad, and the ugly about ourselves. And having the confidence to love yourself for all of that is magic.
THINGS THAT CAN HELP YOU BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE
So let’s take a peek at some of the things that can help you build your confidence, shall we? I talked a lot about habits and episode one to five, so I encourage you to go back and have a look. Bottom line, when we create good habits, we increase our confidence by breaking the less perfect habit loops. You know the ones like you have a bad day, you reach from martini, then you order Uber eats and veg on the couch. Rather than doing those things you really wanted to get done, you increase the self-belief you have, which makes it easier to keep going with the good habits. This habit ability increases the more you focus on it and will have a positive impact on every aspect of your life. I promise tips start small, increase ’em as you go. Be prepared to fail. Have the commitment to start again, break it down if you can. Be patient and get an accountability buddy.
I’ve said it before, in fact, I think it was episode five, the single biggest factor to achieving success is setting goals and the setting and achieving goals has a compound effect on building your confidence. Think of each goal as a workout, building your confidence muscle. Remember your goals are unique to you, your values, passions, dreams, et cetera. There is unique as your DNA. Lock and Latham in 2006 found that setting goals was linked with higher motivation, self-esteem, self-confidence and autonomy. Sounds pretty damn good to me. So how do we set goals? Just throw them out there. No, there’s a few different methods and I primarily work with the grow and the smart methods, which is similar but different. Same, same but different. Gee, that explains so much, Samantha, Mary. Anyway, for this exercise we’re gonna get stuck into how to set smart goals.
SET SMART GOALS
S is for specific. Each goal must be specific and clearly defined as possible. You have multiple goals, but each one must be clear. M is for measurable. Each goal must also the clearly defined metric for how it can be measured either for progress or the end of the goal. A is for achievable. It can be easy to get carried away when setting goals, but a goal that is ultimately not achievable will deplete your motivation. Keep goals smaller and achievable and you can build on them and add later. R is for relevant or realistic. This is where putting some time into plan your goals can really pay off. There’s no point in pursuing a goal that doesn’t match your core values or help you with your grand vision for life. And as for realistic, well, not to diminish my capabilities, but me setting a goal to be a competitive tennis player was pretty stupid.
My hand eye coordination has been known to have people on the floor in laughter and yep, I’m one of those people that can’t even play Paul when I’m drunk. Where was I? T is for time bound or timely. This links nicely with the achievable step. Make sure you set realistic deadlines for each goal and it’s required steps and that will help you stay focused and motivated. Now, don’t get carried away with this process and create a gazillion goals that will probably lead to feeling like shy because you didn’t achieve them, which guess what? We’ll diminish your confidence on a round and around we go. I would start and yep, there’s a worksheet in the freebie section to help you with looking at each area of your wheel of life. Come up with one to two goals in each and the time frame you’d like to achieve them in. Take your time, think big as small and have fun.
And if you start thinking I’ll never be able to do it. Stop, breathe, reflect, think about some goals you’ve already achieved in life. Bingo, confidence boosted. A couple of tips. Don’t have all your goals during the same day. Remember to write in the positive and as though it’s already happened. Here’s an example. So 30th of June, 2022, and I am so pumped that I learned to cook a new international meal every week for 52 weeks. You can go [inaudible]. Oh, I haven’t been doing that cooking thing, but you get the idea.
There are many common traits of confident people from having a growth mindset to honoring the commitments they make to themselves and being able to ask for help. All of these traits help to build your confidence stack and seriously, as I said in episode nine, it’s like Jenga, when you have a wiba wobble in one area, you have the strength to weather the storm.
It’s all about your self-acceptance and advocacy and control and discipline. The list goes on all the way down to self-worth and the downloads for the confidence boosters and traits will help you with more ideas for these. Honestly, a quick spray of perfume and dressing for success will have your confidence soaring as high as Lowe’s heels I was wearing in an instant.
What can we learn from the Wizard of Oz? Eh, so much. And I’m not just talking about clicking your heels together. You are nothing but a great big coward. Dorothy said sternly to the cavity lion when she first met him in the woods with the scarecrow and the tin man. Hmm. When the wizard says to the lion, you’re a victim of disorganized thinking, it’s us. We have these stories that keep us safe, but in reality it’s keeping us trapped. The lion received his medal for courage, but it may as well have been a heart like the tin Man.
Koru is actually the Latin word for heart. The word originally meant to speak one’s mind while telling all one’s heart. The lion so desperate to be brave, realized he had courage all along. And that’s for Dorothy. Perhaps the greatest discovery of all. You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself. Glenda, the good witch said that to her. You my friends have the power in you. Sorry.
WHAT IS COURAGE?
What exactly is courage? Some say it’s feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ah, some say it’s being fearless. The ability to do something that frightens one, it’s bravery. Strengthen the face of pain or grief. The choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. Sounds awful. I think it starts with the ability to look at yourself with total honesty. And that’s hard. It’s that honesty that gives you what you need in order to move forward. And yes, we are born with a certain amount of courage. If not, we wouldn’t start taking those first steps with no idea of how to do it.
We were babies that could see something we wanted to do and knew we couldn’t do it. So we tried and then we fell over and then we tried again and we fell over and we tried again. We were encouraged and cheered on. By the time we’re old enough, we’re having superhero parties and thinking we’re indestructible. Then sadly, life starts to take a toll. School, parenting, friends, failures, social commentary, all of it strips away at that courageous being inside us and we need to grow it again in order to live an extraordinary life. And yes, courage and confidence are bff fss, B fss. Do you think your courageous, uh, a lot of experts in this area agree. There are six types of courage. There’s: Physical courage, Emotional courage, Intellectual courage, Social courage, Moral courage and Spiritual courage.
There are probably gazillion traits or characteristics of courageous people, but here’s 10 I believe in strongly and yet they’re very similar to the traits of confident people.
They feel fearful yet still take action. They follow their heart. They think big and step into the unknown. They stand up for what’s right and what they believe in. They welcome failure, not afraid to say no or sorry when appropriate. Willing to show genuine emotion. They’re able to ask for help, persistent and have a growth mindset.
For the next week. I’d love for you to track your courage and yep, it’s in the download. But for now, let’s look at your past relationship with courage. We’ve all been faced with that huge moment where we could choose courage. Did you? I know there’ve been times when I did and times when I didn’t. You may even think of them as like those sliding door moments, the what ifs. Sometimes I’ve been there tiger, and other times I’ve retreated and deconflict and I’ve missed something that well may have been spectacular and I’ll never know.
WHAT ARE THE MOST COURAGEOUS THING YOU’VE DONE?
Some of the questions you may ask yourself are, what is the most courageous thing you’ve ever done? What happened? What didn’t happen? What is something you really wish you’d been courageous enough to do but you didn’t? Again, what happened and what didn’t happen? What was it costing you to not be courageous in that moment? And what did you get out of staying safe? Because I promise you, you did. You can look at the past for these lessons and you forgive yourself or others where you need to, but do not use this past as a marker for your future success. Ironically, this may seem a bit scary, but I encourage you to write out a fear and belief list.
When we’re afraid of things, it’s usually wrapped up in a belief. Me, I’m sometimes really scared of sales calls because ah, I might get rejected and we’re jumping out of a plane just seems bloody stupid because my mother told me it wasn’t safe. When we don’t do something because we’re being held back by fear, there’s usually something we’re also getting out of. It sounds crazy, but it’s true. If you don’t go for that goal because you’re scared of failure, you’re staying in your comfort zone and you can live with what I call the lotto dream of imagining your success, which can feel nice and cozy. So yes, have a think about your negative beliefs and your fears and see what you can flip on the head. Do the list and do what you can to increase your courage.
DEFINITION OF BOUNDARY
Ah, boundaries. One of the most courageous things you can do is to have them and stick to them.
In the words of Brene Brown, dare de set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others. The definition of a boundary is something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent. Physically, there could be a fence or a border and in our lives it’s the line between what we will and what we won’t accept.
Women especially are pretty crap historically at setting boundaries, but we’re getting better. It’s about saying yes to yourself, not about saying no to others and most certainly not about trying to control others. Some of the sign you may need better boundaries are, uh, yes is your most common word. You feel used when you get resentful. Guilt is a default thought. You tend to be like a moth to a flame With dominant people, you are defensive, you feel responsible a lot and you’re tired and not looking after yourself.
WHY ARE BOUNDARIES IMPORTANT?
Okay, Sam, but why are boundaries important? Great question. Thanks for asking. Boundaries boost self-esteem. They support courage and confidence. They can serve our emotional and physical energy. They promote self responsibility, cultivate more honest relationships and so much more. Then there’s different types of boundaries from physical to intellectual, financial and more. Yep, in the worksheet. And they can be really rigid like a boundary on fidelity or a little more flexible like people just dropping by.
When setting boundaries, we often think we need to sit the other party down and declare the boundary and get their agreement.
You don’t have to communicate it at all. However, sometimes it is better to, you have to be clear on the boundary and take any action required. When you have healthy boundaries, it means you’re aware of your needs, you value your identity and you don’t automatically compromise yourself often just because it’s what you do. When you listen to all of this, you might think you’re a shocker and well maybe you are sorry, but if you go through the exercises, you may be surprised at what you are actually concrete on. Look at your current life. I have strong boundaries around, I need better boundaries around. I respond to boundaries with what do you think about all of this? I feel negative when this happens and I’m able to do this or I have the right to do something else. Then it’s about creating the boundary. What is it about the situation that you want to change?
What would you actually like to happen and what consequences are you willing to act on? And if you need to communicate the boundary, discuss the situation, state your request and explain the consequences. Remember, you don’t always need to do that, but if you are communicating the boundary, be assertive, be kind, be clear, be brief, be respectful, be calm and be neutral. And you wanna use eye statements. Here’s an example, when you didn’t ask if you could borrow my red coat, I felt a bit used. Please don’t take my belongings without asking me this. Trust is important to me and if I can lend you something when you ask, I will.
People may push back when you start down this road and that’s okay. Persevere and most people will begin to understand their new you. Boundaries are amazing, freeing and a vital part of healthy relationships.
MY FAVE TIPS
Finally, I’ll give you my fave tips. NO is a complete sentence. It’s okay to change your mind. You must follow through and you’ve gotta get comfortable with discomfort. I really encourage you to watch the power of vulnerability with Brene Brown and then ask yourself some questions about how you feel about the topic. Things like what do you do when you feel emotionally exposed and describe a time when you felt truly vulnerable and it had a good outcome and maybe describe the qualities you see in vulnerable people in your life. Are there any that you see in you or some that you’d like to adopt? I actually don’t think I really understood vulnerability until about 12 months ago when I sat on a bench on my morning walk, sobbing my eyes out and deep in thought. I’d been seeing someone that had helped me feel well, truly seen.
I’d shared things I’d never shared with anyone, and yeah, the relationship did not work out. Anyway, I felt physically and emotionally exposed like I’d never felt before and all my thoughts poured out into a letter I wrote to myself. The full letters online if you wanna have a read, but I encourage you to write yourself a letter about being really transparent, really honest, and yes vulnerable. The words can’t hurt you, but those thoughts and emotions left alone inside you will not help you to be the extraordinary person you can be.
Here we are at the final C and the How to be extraordinary matrix, which sounds a little bit fancier than it is. The reality is we need other people in our lives and our charisma plays a big part in that. The Cambridge dictionary says charisma is a special power that some people have naturally that makes ’em able to influence other people and attract their attention and admiration. Some people say it’s that X factor that some people have. Me, I think X factor is that beautiful spot where our clarity, confidence, courage, and charisma meet.
Yes, some people exude that thing that others don’t have naturally, but like so many things. It’s a skill we can learn. Where confidence is all about how we think and feel about ourselves. Charisma is all about our relationship with others. Maryanne Williamson has a great quote. Charisma is a sparkle in people that money can’t buy. It’s an invisible energy with visible effects. Can you think of five people that you think are really charismatic? What makes them so is it that they stood tall, walked into the room with a booming voice and got you to do what they wanted? Sometimes it is, but a lot of the time it is so much more subtle. Some of the common traits I know, knock me down with a feather, a commented, confident, and courageous people do, they’re vulnerable, they’re curious, they have a growth mindset, they tell a good story, they’re mirror behavior, they’re good listeners, they’re authentic, they had great communication skills, they’re empathetic and they ask lots of questions. So what are those traits do you have? Mm, what ones would you like to have?
In the worksheet, There’s a seven day charisma journey that you can go on. It’s easy and fun, you love it. Charisma isn’t a one size fits all type of thing. There’ll be traits that feel great when you try them on and others that make you feel a bit, ah, that’s okay. Go with what works for you. That’s when it’ll be authentic and you won’t have that reek of a bad salesman.
There’s a gorgeous example of charisma in this story of a woman who is privileged to die with both William Gladson and Benjamin Israeli. Great Britain’s two candidates in the 1868 elections. She said, after dining with Mr. Gladson, I thought he was the cleverest person in England, but after dining with Mr. Israeli, I thought I was the the cleverest person in England. I should have said that with an accent. Anyway, that’s charisma and that brings me to negatives of charisma and I hate saying it, but yes, this skill can and has historically been used to manipulate people. Do not add your name to that list please.
THE FOUR Ps OF CHARISMA
I often get asked if you can fake it to you, make it with charisma and yet you can, but your body language is vital and will often give you away a blink when you’re pretending to play close attention in a conversation well have you quickly shown as not being authentic and you really don’t want that.
Now let’s look at the four Ps of charisma cuz I love alliteration. Pose, how you carry yourself. It’s the space you take up. Prose, the words that come out of your mouth. Poise, it’s that stuff that’s inside you, your equilibrium, the composure that you have and peer is your eye contact, whether you’re on a conversation, on a stage, through a screen.
FOUR TYPES OF CHARISMA
There are a couple of things that can get in the way of how charismatic you’re feeling really quickly from self-doubt to what you are wearing. Yep. Learning to get comfortable in this discomfort and not have a mess with your charisma is important and great for your confidence. Wink, wink, I can’t wink. Olivia Fox Cobain. In her book, the Charisma Myth spoke about four different types of charisma. There’s visionary charisma, which is like that. The people that make you believe in their dream like you are there boots and all think of like Martin Luther King and Steve Jobs.
Then there’s authority charisma, which is really powerful cuz based on status and confidence, not necessarily always likable because sometimes you can be intimidated by these people like Colin Powell or Michael Jordan, bill Gates.
Then there’s focus, charisma, which is all about presence. It’s about listening in and zoning into what people say, making them feel listened and understood. Sometimes you can come across a little bit too warm and comforting or submissive, especially if you need to be a bit more authoritative. But think of people like Bill Clinton.
Finally, there’s kindness charisma, which is about focusing on warmth, and it’s about that emotional bond that makes people feel really, really welcome. Think of the Dali Lama, for example, or a nurse.
One of the greatest commonalities of charismatic people is their ability to create and stay in rapport and they communicate well. Rapport is the ultimate tool for producing results with other people. No matter what you want in your life, if you can develop rapport with the right people, you’ll be able to fill their needs and they’ll be able to fill yours. Win-win when you can. Build rapport on screen in real life, on the radio, podcast stages, conversation at a restaurant. Any relationship in any era of your life needs rapport to be successful. And I hate to say it, but yes, first impressions do count. According to researchers, Linda Tickle Dagnan and Robert Rosenthal. When you have a rapport with someone, you share mutual attentiveness, positivity, coordination. This connection can appear instantly when you click with someone or it can develop slowly over time. It can grow naturally without intent or you can deliberately set out to build it. The first and most vital aspect of building rapport is you. How are you feeling? Really? Your confidence, clarity, and courage all play a role in being charismatic and being able to build rapport. Now, s I’m a bit of a jag. I like to call it the rapport lumbar.
This dance is made up of the following steps, body language, things like eye contact, facial expressions, gesture breathing, posture, touch, et cetera. And when I say matching and mirroring, I don’t mean someone goes like that and then you go like that. Not that kind of mirroring. It would make you look like a doofus. Don’t copy them. That’s not right. It’s more of like going with the flow about how they’re using their body language, match their speech, pattern tone, tempo, volume, those kind of things. Then we’ve got sense and language. So if you are with someone and they’re swearing like a trooper, you can probably drop the odd word, but if you’re in a situation where the person’s talking quite a proper tone, the last thing you want to do is drop an F-bomb, no, completely inappropriate, they’re talking too fast. You might split up a little bit.
The other thing is you wanna listen to auditory clues. People have different kinds of styles, so there’s visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and I can never say it properly, but olfactory and gustatory, I think I did it. Ooh. So if people are talking about, oh, that feels, or I can see that, or something stinks, or I can taste the victory. They’re all the different ways people learn and people speak in the same tone generally is how they learn. I know, common ground. Can you relate to the other person through a shared experience or opinion? We all wanna feel seen and this empathy and understanding is a critical tool for building good rapport and communicating. You wanna listen, probably heard it before. Two ears, one mouth, listen to understand people. Then when appropriate, repeat what they said and what you heard and what you felt. Bingo.
Be completely present with the people. Don’t be looking at your phone. Don’t pick up another Google. Don’t be cleaning your glasses. Be completely present with the person. People can tell if you’re not really there and if you’re thinking about the dishes, for example, you’re probably close to the person you’re having the rapport rumble with, gotta dance and it’s not gonna work. You wanna be open to ideas, conversations, changes in direction, and beware of falling into devil’s advocate mode. It’s a tough one, that one. Walk in their shoes and try to see the other person’s point of view. You wanna be friendly. I know it sounds so simple, but remember their name. Find something you like or respect about the person and it will create an instantly friendlier vibe.
You wanna be yourself. Do not be fake. Many of us have spoken before or a bit chameleon like, and in a rapport building situation, mean chameleon can be really, really useful and it can be helpful, but still be yourself. Do not be fake because fake people are shitty people and we don’t wanna be them. Okay? A little hint, a lot of people say when building rapport, finding a compliment to give someone is an important thing, but again, only if it’s situationally perfect.
You wanna be interested, inquire about their family, friends, and pets. If they have pets and you think they’re open to talking about these things and yet listening helps with that one and ask open not closed questions so you really get to know them and then finally offer value by listening and asking great questions, maybe you’ve been doing some research before you meet them, you’ll gain an understanding of what’s of value to people. Disclaimer, do not tell people what to do unless they’ve asked you to tell them what to do. If they’re open, check, you can offer advice and guidance would be truly be of value. Not just so you can toot your own horn. You might even know someone that would be great for them to meet. Who knows? Could be a future marriage. Hint to anybody.
Anyway, that was a really long one. Sorry, the in the worksheet. There’s some more exercises for you to do so you can work on this amazing skill. I’ll say it again.
I believe we all have extraordinary in us. Here’s my manifesto to help you along the way as you work on the foundations of clarity, confidence, courage, and charisma. Let your brilliant shine, embrace education, elevate your mind and nourish your soul. Strive for excellence in everything you do. Treat your clients like gold and your loved ones like diamonds. Redefine success on your own terms. Appreciate everything you have. Commit to a lifeless ordinary. Remember to have fun, dream big and take even bigger action. Innovate and be inspiring. Nurture your passion and creativity every day. Ask for help. Recognize the achievements and others, and finally say yes to opportunities. There you go. Be extraordinary.
I do really believe you were born to be extraordinary and I’d love to help you achieve your vision, so head on over to samanthaleith.com/freebies,. I always forget which way for this month’s workbook and tag me or message me about your progress. Please like, share, comment, and subscribe so I can help more people to see the extraordinary in themselves.
Thank you for listening to this week’s episode of the Samantha Leith Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode and wanna dive deeper into the world of personal development and what’s possible for you, then I’d love to invite you to join the club. It’s my monthly membership designed to guide and support you with the tools and the coaching you need to be extraordinary. Head on over to samanthaleith.com/club for more information. I’d love to see you on the inside.
Songwriters: Anthony Newley / Leslie Bricusse
© Tratore, Universal Music Publishing Group
Produced by Samantha Leith / Michael Allen
Vocals by Samantha Leith